As a Facebook business manager, do you ever find yourself looking at all of the comments you get on your posts and thinking how nice it would be if half those people would just go away? It’s perfectly normal. After all, people are idiots. All those insipid comments, the stupid arguments, the flame wars, the needless racism and inflammatory posts… It’s enough to drive a body mad.
Good news! You can rid yourself of those followers, and you don’t even need to do it manually. You could, of course, go into your administration and selectively ban the worst offenders, purging the trash and generally raising the quality of your page overall. Instead, however, you should take the better option; a passive-aggressive downward spiral of low quality and terrible content designed to drive away your fans.
1. Post Constantly
Those followers of yours are crafty, but they can’t be everywhere at once. If you want to shake them off, be everywhere. Post constantly. Make sure there’s something new for them to read the instant they’re done posting a comment on the previous post. It doesn’t matter what you’re posting, just post anything. See a hot girl walk down the street? Post about her. Think a dog breed looks funny? Tell everyone. Have an event to promote for your business? Post about it at least twice an hour, or else you’ll miss people.
Remember, Facebook organically only shows your posts to around 6% of your audience. If you want all of your followers to see your posts, you pretty much need to post the same thing at least 20 times.
Oh, and post anything you can regardless of how it ties into your business. Pictures of cats, memes you just found and those chain letters your grandma forwards are all excellent fodder. You don’t want to have seven years of bad luck because you didn’t show that post to 14 people, do you?
2. Ignore Commitments
Facebook contests and giveaways are great for bringing in new people, which you absolutely don’t want. Still, if you want to get rid of people, there’s nothing better than a contest. All you have to do is nothing. Set up a contest and then systematically disqualify everyone who enters. Make the contest require some massive commitment, like carving a marble statue of your CEO in life size, or tattooing your brand logo on a baby.
Or go the alternate route and just don’t live up to the hype. Put up a contest asking for emails to win an iPad, then make up some guy’s name and give it to yourself. Or don’t even buy an iPad! Save yourself a few hundred bucks and the time it takes to pick and announce the winner. Just never announce a deadline, keep racking up entries forever and never choose a winner. You’re definitely not going to make any fans doing that, and that’s perfect.
3. Post Worthless Content
Here are a few great ideas for content you can post at any time, day or night.
- Copied content. Your competitor probably spends a lot of time on their Facebook posts; copy and paste them.
No-effort viral content. Like Reddit’s frontpage? Make your Facebook page a haven for reposts. Better yet, share everything
- George Takei shares; he’s on the ball, his finger is on the pulse of the Internet, you can do no wrong.
- Cat pictures. Literally no one can say no to a cat picture. Seriously, try it.
- Personal information. Just go ahead and write about what you did today, what you had for lunch, where you’re going when your shift at this boring social media management job is over.
- Anger. Be angry, be irate, get mad. Don’t like the president? Yell at him through your Facebook page. Don’t like the service you got at Starbucks over lunch? Berate the barista publicly. Feel like those immigrants are taking over the jobs you really wish you could be doing? Make sure your followers know.
- Controversy. They say that starting an argument is a great way to get engagement, because people will be commenting and sharing your post to their friends to get their friends to comment. Take it all the way. Do you have some real heavy opinions on the glass ceiling, abortion, gun control or the flavor of the week scandal? Strike while the iron is hot and post as soon as possible.
4. Push Your Products
You’re a business! You’ve got products to sell! Your followers had better know it. If there’s any doubt in their minds that you’re selling something they need, you’re not doing your job.
Oh, sure, you don’t want to make every single post promotional. That would be too much, and besides, it takes away from the cat pictures. Still, make sure at least 50% of your posts mention your product. If you have to, throw on a completely unrelated call to action. Post one of your cat pictures with the caption “Mr. Whiskers definitely knows you need our product if you want to keep him healthy!”
Don’t forget to treat every image you post, or most of them anyway, like your own personal billboards. Facebook has that little rule against more than 20% text on things like your cover photo, but when have you ever heard of someone being banned for it? Just post all your call to action persuasion everywhere. Make sure it’s seen, no matter where the user may be.
5. Be Boring
None of that is guaranteed to work, but one thing for sure will drive users away; just give up. Stop posting. Post once or twice a week, if you have to. Make sure those posts are the blandest, least interesting things you can think of. Post some insipid quotes from textbooks, or start up a weekly feature of things you see outside your office window.
Just make sure to read over every post you make five or six times, looking for any possible way a user might find it interesting. Share it with your co-workers. If any of them say “Huh,” you’ll know it’s too interesting. Scrap it, don’t post that week, it’s clearly an off week for you.